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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27375493">just like a fool</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/finaljoy/pseuds/finaljoy'>finaljoy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awesome Leia Organa, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Older Woman/Younger Man, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Romance, Secret Relationship, everyone's working through their problems and it's good, leia is amazing and deserves the world, poe dameron is a hoe for the past, unlearning bad behaviors</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:53:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,886</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27375493</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/finaljoy/pseuds/finaljoy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He kissed her. It wasn't fast or aggressive, he just leaned forward and kissed her because if he was going off this cliff, he might as well do a flip.</p><p>(or, a story about how Poe and Leia are together and he doesn't know how to feel about that)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kaydel Ko Connix &amp; Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron &amp; Finn, Poe Dameron &amp; Temmin "Snap" Wexley, Poe Dameron/Leia Organa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. give a little love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>me: just wait next time we meet up I'll have a 25k poe/leia fic falling out of my coat and shame in my eyes<br/>-<em>four days later</em>-<br/>me: so...you ever say something and then regret it because, uh, you went and did what you said you wouldn't</p><p>holla at red b rackham and thewritingwanderer for bullying me into this, and then being there to editing it into coherence when I finally broke down and wrote it. hopefully the world is better for it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Poe had had some sloppy encounters before, <em>sure,</em> but he'd never expected to wake up hungover in the bed of one of his idols who was, <em>oh yeah</em>, old enough to be his mother. He was an idiot. There wasn't much else for it, he was a huge damn idiot that liked to destroy everything good he had.</p><p>"Hey, you still alive?" Leia grunted. There was an irony there, he supposed, about her asking if <em>he</em> had died in his sleep.</p><p>Holy hell, he was such an asshole.</p><p>"Yeah," he rasped, "still alive."</p><p>"Any regrets?"</p><p>He couldn't help but raise his eyebrows. Last night there had been a fundraiser for a community activity center and he'd gotten a little sloshed and on his way to find a cab he'd found an equally tipsy Leia Organa on the sweeping stairwell (<em>holy shit,</em> his champagne brain burbled, <em>you love Leia you have to help her up the stairs)</em>, so they'd ended up in her hotel room drinking from the mini bar and then they'd been kissing and—</p><p>"Not super sure yet. You?"</p><p>Leia chuckled, like she thought he was sweet, even through the hangover.</p><p>"Not sure yet. You wanna go back to sleep?"</p><p>"<em>Hell</em> yes," he mumbled, and she very obligingly reached over and twisted the blinds shut.</p>
<hr/><p>It wasn't really a walk of shame if he had time to buy a toothbrush from downstairs, down a glass of water, put on all his clothes, and politely say good-bye. Leia was great about it—this was weird and they were naked and she didn't immediately kick him out. That said, she <em>also </em>had the expectation that if he could politely hook her bra when asked, he was capable of talking about what they'd just done, which wasn't the most fun thing.</p><p>"So, am I gonna see you at my next rally?" she asked, leaning against the hotel dresser as her coffee brewed.</p><p>Poe looked up from putting on his shoes, eyebrows raised. "Would you be offended if I said I wasn't ready to answer?"</p><p>"No, I suppose not," she said, chuckling slightly. Then, not looking at him, "Would you have done this if you weren't drunk?"</p><p>"<em>No</em>," he laughed, then bit his cheek—<em>damn hungover brain</em>—because he didn't know how to explain that he wouldn't have hooked up with a stranger at <em>all</em> if he was sober. Not anymore, at least.</p><p>Leia considered him. "Would you have <em>thought</em> about it, if you weren't drunk?"</p><p>Now that was a stickier question.</p><p>"I don't think I'd have given myself the chance," he said after a long beat. "But I mean—no regrets, yet."</p><p>She laughed again and gave him a look. "Not even the hangover?"</p><p>"Maybe the hangover."</p><p>"Go get your car," she scoffed, and turned away to make her coffee.</p>
<hr/><p>He didn't tell anybody about it. His activist friends would think he was full of shit (or simply <em>was</em> shit), his pilot buddies would never let him hear the end of it, and Finn…well, he wouldn't get it.</p><p>Things were right or they weren't with Finn, he liked them or he didn't, he didn't have time for the messy grey areas that Poe so often inhabited. Besides, his emotional bandwidth was taken up with Rey. And yeah, Poe got that she was struggling and distant and unhappy enough to flavor the air around her. He got that, on paper, at least, she was the friend that needed emotional support more than a successful pilot who accidentally had a one-night stand with a humanitarian legend<em>. </em>But Poe would have liked it if one of these days they could have lunch and talk about how <em>he</em> had problems, even though he was a rich kid with socialite parents and could spend his days tossing money at the less privileged.</p><p>He was <em>such</em> an asshole.</p>
<hr/><p>Life went on, he went about his business, Leia was just a weird story for some dinner party he could play up later. He would get around seeing her by missing out on the spate of community projects she had planned, and then she'd be in Germany or somewhere to speak to the UN or something impressive like that.</p><p>Only, Snap had needed a ride to the hall they were preparing to transform into a new homeless shelter, and he didn't told Poe in no uncertain terms it was bullshit he was cutting out.</p><p>"You said you'd go, you <em>told</em> Kaydel you'd be there last week," he said, leaning toward the car window so he could look at Poe. Conveniently, Poe had failed to mention he wasn't coming along until after Snap had left the car.</p><p>"Yeah, but I think I'm coming down with something," he said, waving a hand. "And I've got some errands I need to run, just tell her I'm sorry and—"</p><p>Snap pointed at him, flipped him off, then jabbed his thumb at the building. "Park your car and get inside, Dameron."</p><p>Poe bit his cheek and pulled around to the parking lot. It would be fine.</p><p>And it was, until he found himself side by side with Leia Organa as they pushed aside tables so the floors could be swept. He tried not to be awkward, tried not to reek of '<em>I had sex with her I had sex with her I had sex with her'</em>, tried to be casual as she told him to move a stack of chairs and help carry a box of old papers to the dumpster outside. She, of course, revealed nothing, and when everyone was having lunch to celebrate a job well done, she shook his hand.</p><p>"Leia Organa," she said, voice like chocolate studded with sea salt. "I don't think I caught your whole name."</p><p>He took her hand like a decent citizen (even though the first time they'd met he'd pushed that hand down her pants) and smiled. "Poe Dameron."</p><p>She tilted her head, and oh shit, she had probably known his mother, shit shit <em>shit</em>, but Leia just nodded.</p><p>"So, did you come to this prestigious affair because I'm here or because you like dusting?"</p><p>"Honestly, it's the dust. I cleared out my place and was just looking for more."</p><p>Leia laughed, which, while nerve-wracking, was kinda nice. It felt weirdly like an accomplishment to make her laugh.</p><p>"I mean, that's all any of this really is," she said, waving her hand around the room, which now looked less like an abandoned sty and was now somewhere clean and hopeful. "<em>Cleaning,</em> you know? We clean up the messes, not because it's glamorous or we get money or have our pictures taken, but because <em>we can.</em> We have to."</p><p>"I'm assuming your fine with pictures for the scrapbook, though?" Poe asked, nodding at Kaydel. She was snapping photos of the volunteers and cheering when they struck a silly pose.</p><p>"No, scrapbooks are fine," she said, cracking a smile. "I'm talking about people who call the news to validate their good works."</p><p>Poe paused, tilting his head, still not looking at her. "I dunno, a <em>little</em> validation doesn't hurt, right?"</p><p>She cast him another look, one that made it hard for him to breathe for a second. Then she tilted her head back at him, a tiny grin in place. "Sure, maybe a little."</p><p>Snap was more than a little self-righteous when they were back in the car. "Aren't you glad you came? You spent basically all of lunch talking to <em>Leia Organa.</em>"</p><p>"Yeah, fine," Poe muttered, keenly aware of her business card in his left pocket, with her personal cell written in blue ink on the back.</p>
<hr/><p>There were some people that might disagree, but for Poe, once was a mistake and twice was a habit.</p><p>At least this time he wasn't drunk.</p><p>He didn't think this was how affairs were supposed to go, though. He texted her a few times then very politely asked if they could meet in person and she sent him her address so there he was. Her apartment was bright and clean, and though it was certainly at the higher end of the market, it wasn't ostentatious. There was something incredibly homey about her potted plants and the turquoise accent wall. And Leia looked nice in it—not dressed up in her strong-shouldered suits and regal dresses, but wearing a comfortable button down with rolled up sleeves and a pair of jeans.</p><p>She chuckled when she let him in.</p><p>"I should have known you wore leather jackets."</p><p>"Yeah, well, it worked for James Dean."</p><p>They ended up just standing in the entryway, looking at each other. She was so small, he noticed now, her confidence and fire giving her a few extra feet when delivering a speech or leading a group. Now she was just a woman with grey hair and bare feet and tired eyes.</p><p>"So…what do we do now?" he asked.</p><p>"That depends. I could offer you a cup of tea, we could sit in the living room and chitchat before you kindly tell me if you're not interested, thanks, and you're not going to try blackmailing me over this whole thing. Or…"</p><p>"Or?"</p><p>"I could still make you tea, we talk a bit, then make out on the couch and try not to feel like sloppy teenagers."</p><p>"Do…you have a preference?" He didn't know why he was dancing around like this, except he was <em>nervous </em>and he couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted to do.</p><p>Leia laughed again but this time she sounded exhausted, like she was tired of this game he didn't know how to stop playing. She put her hands in her back pockets, let out a breath.</p><p>"Look, Poe, you're—"<br/>
He kissed her. It wasn't fast or aggressive, he just leaned forward and kissed her because if he was going off this cliff, he might as well do a flip.</p><p>Leia didn't stop him, of course. She leaned back in surprise but pressed her hands over his like maybe she was scared he'd let her go.</p><p>Poe looked at her after a moment, trying to keep his breathing even.</p><p>Leia let go of him and walked to the bedroom. "Take your shoes off before you step on the carpet."</p><p>They weren't sloppy teenagers. They were adults that had done this all before, but now there was <em>intent</em> when Poe undid her blouse, not merely drunken opportunism.</p><p>And, in its way, it was kind of fun<em>.</em> There was a bit of a thrill in kissing someone he wasn't supposed to. And he shouldn't, <em>none</em> of this should have been happening. He shouldn't be kissing down her neck. She shouldn't be digging her fingers into his ass, he shouldn't be <em>that hard</em> against her thigh, but there they were.</p><p>Leia tried to smother a moan of approval by biting the side of her finger, something Poe found charming and weirdly hot and he had to work very hard not to put it in his mouth.</p><p>"No hiding today," he muttered in her ear, taking her hand and pressing it into the pillows.</p><p>"I'm not going to yell like a schoolgirl, if that's what you're hoping," she gasped, grabbing hold of his hair with her free hand. Poe's back arched in response, and he fought not to break rhythm.</p><p>"<em>No,</em> but you deserve to be loud in your own home."</p><p>She seemed to like him saying that, she seemed to like it very much.</p><p>They were in this hazy sort of limbo afterward. It was late enough for the city to be bright outside, but it was also too early for them to go to bed.</p><p>He could leave. He could offer to order them dinner. He could keep kissing her because then, at least, he knew what he was supposed to be doing.</p><p>He watched Leia answer email on her phone, his cheek pressed against her stomach. She ran her fingers through his hair, pausing every now and again to wrap a curl around her knuckle.</p><p>"Emailing someone important?" he asked.</p><p>"Less important than they'd like," she scoffed. "Some muckity-muck from the state, saying our paperwork needs to be <em>reviewed.</em> We turned it in two weeks ago, I thought <em>that</em> was what the waiting period was for."</p><p>"What's the project?"</p><p>"Funding private arts programs in schools so they can't be cut when districts have to tighten their belts."</p><p>Poe nodded, tapping a rhythm on her side.</p><p>Leia had given a hair-raising speech about a month back about youth violence and how it could be somewhat alleviated by other creative, productive outlets. Poe had been especially supportive of that one when he'd heard it.</p><p>Then again, he supported most <em>everything </em>he heard her promote, which was all of them. He knew <em>far</em> more about her than Leia ever could about him, even if she <em>had</em> met his parents. He'd read news articles, listened to speeches, volunteered at events, donated to charities. He was like the world's only activist groupie, only he didn't hide naked in hotel rooms and beg to give Leia children. He just got shitfaced and metaphorically fell down some stairs the rest of the way there.</p><p>Aaaaaand the panic was back.</p><p>"This…this is okay, right? he asked. He hated how young and insecure he sounded.</p><p>Leia put down her phone and looked at him. Poe couldn't make himself meet her eye.</p><p>"Well," she began, and he could have started kissing her again for the lack of condescension in her voice, "I'm not your boss, I'm not asking you to vote for me, I'm not coercing you to be here, and I'm not paying you, so yes. It just comes down to—"</p><p>"I'm young and you're not."</p><p>"Yeah. That." Leia pressed her hand against his cheek, making him prop himself up on his elbows. "Look, I don't know the rules here anymore than you do."</p><p>"That's kind of a relief," he said, kissing her palm and then folding her fingers over to cover it.</p><p>It <em>was </em>kind of a consolation, in a shitty way—at least he wasn't the only one having a panic attack over a drunken fling with someone very much not his own age.</p><p>"But we do need to be honest about what's going on here," Leia said, and suddenly she was wearing the we're-having-this-conversation-and-you're-going-to-give-me-my-funding face he'd seen a few times on the news. It was a lot more intimidating on the receiving end.</p><p>"As in, you want a label?"</p><p>"As in, I want to know what you think of this. Why're you here, why're you doing this? I know why <em>I'm</em> here, what <em>I</em> get out of it, but I want to be sure about you."</p><p>"Are you asking if I find you attractive?" he asked quietly, looking at her stomach, stroking a line with his thumb. She had wrinkles and fat and her hair wasn't lush and her body wasn't toned and pale and perfect. He knew that, of course he did, Poe had never claimed otherwise. And while he couldn't exactly say there was something about her age that he found inherently attractive…he didn't mind it. He hadn't developed an interest in Leia because of how hot she looked in a swimsuit.</p><p>"Sure, I guess we could go there," she laughed, but he could tell she was being serious.</p><p>Poe looked at her, let out a slow breath. He didn't know if he liked her straightforwardness or not. On one hand, it was tidier to be upfront about what the hell it was they could expect from each other. On the other, ambiguity gave him a <em>whole</em> lot of places to hide.</p><p>"I don't know. Yes. Enough to want to see you again. I…would like to keep coming back."</p><p>Twice a habit, after all.</p><p>"Always as a booty call, or are you fine with having dinner and being seen sometimes?"</p><p>"Dinner's fine," he laughed. "I do eat sometimes."</p><p>They looked at each other, neither one ready to address the fact that going out meant being seen. It wasn't even a public image problem. While Leia was a household name in the activist community, she wasn't really what you'd call a celebrity. She was a very boring activist and philanthropist, not a politician, not a rock star, she could date who she liked. The problem was more that they would be looked at and spoken about and laughed over once people realized she wasn't his mother.</p><p>"What about public events?" Leia asked, like she could see the splash pattern of doubt in his eyes.</p><p>"I'm not sure I'm ready for that, yet," he admitted. "It's just—all of my friends know you, I'm a donor for both charities you run and the ones you support, I go to <em>everything,</em> and you…"<br/>
"Right," she said.</p><p>Hadn't he just told himself that <em>wasn't</em> a problem?</p><p>"I just…don't want to come off as…"</p><p>'<em>Starfucker'</em> came to mind.</p><p>"A leech to fame," he finished.</p><p>Leia sighed again and sat up straight, making Poe sit up as well. She pulled the duvet up to cover herself, leaving him to make do with sheets.</p><p>"What?" he asked, and she just shook her head, mouth pursing in frustration.</p><p>"It's just I—<em>look</em>, kid, don't <em>hero worship</em> me."</p><p>Poe nodded, looking at his lap. Fair enough.</p><p>"Can I ask for something in return?"</p><p>Leia laughed, a rough, unwieldy thing that said she wasn't really amused. "Sure, what do I have to do to be seen as <em>human</em>?"</p><p>"Don't call me 'kid'."</p><p>Leia looked at him, eyebrows pulling ever so slightly.</p><p>"I'm not a kid or a boy toy or whatever, and I don't want to be called one."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>"We're just people."</p><p>"We're just people."</p><p>Leia pressed a hand to his neck. Maybe he was naïve. Maybe they both were, or just wildly, stupidly optimistic. Maybe they were fine. Poe turned his head and kissed her wrist, because, hell, they'd come this far.</p><p>This wasn't how affairs were supposed to go.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. just a little trust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is a fanfic, obviously, obviously, but I <em>do</em> feel a bit guilty about actively trashing good and healthy character and/or relationships for the sake of progressing poe's arc as a human disaster, lol. the things I do for art.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things were…not <em>easy</em>, but functional. Enjoyable. Strange. Workable. Something.</p>
<p>He'd go about his day and see his friends and go to work and sometimes he'd see Leia after. It was…normal.</p>
<p>Finn was starting to suspect something, though. The first time Poe put off hanging out, it was accepted with good grace, the second, a joke. The fourth, Finn's patience was wearing thin. In Poe's defense, the third time<em> had</em> been for work. It was just that all the others he'd been more interested in dicking down Leia than having lunch with Finn.</p>
<p>"I mean, you can catch a movie or something with Rey," Poe told him. This was the first time they'd seen each other basically all month, and the first thing he was doing was trying to pal his way out of the dinner they'd set ages ago. "Weren't you <em>just</em> saying you guys didn't get much of a chance to see each other anymore?"</p>
<p>"I mean, if she's interested," Finn said after a pause, then shrugged like he could physically cast any doubt from his shoulders. "She's been pretty busy lately, too, though."</p>
<p>"Look, it's just all this activism stuff is trying to finish up before the new year, so they're making a huge push and—"</p>
<p>"And you feel obligated to be involved, I know. Right, no, I get it."</p>
<p>"And hey, if Rey is busy, you could hit up Rrrrrrrooooose? Rose, yeah, you've talked about her before, right? From work?"</p>
<p>"From a conference, she's from a different company."</p>
<p>"Okay, but the point still stands. Expand your pool, you could stand to have more friends."</p>
<p>Finn nodded and laughed, letting the subject fade into a story about how somebody did something with someone else. Poe nodded and smiled along and mostly tried not to wonder if he'd <em>always</em> been such a bad friend, or if this was a new development.</p>
<hr/>
<p>One morning, Leia asked Poe if he could drop her by the office on his way home.</p>
<p>"It's a Saturday," he said, taking a bite of toast (Leia didn't believe in cooking for any group smaller than five, but had kindly volunteered to load the toaster while he made eggs). "Don't you believe in weekends?"</p>
<p>"I just need to grab a file I forgot at the office, I'm not <em>staying</em> there."</p>
<p>"Don't you believe in weekends?" he repeated, making a face.</p>
<p>"You're one to talk. What is it <em>you</em> do that lets you come over here any day of the week?"</p>
<p>"I'm a pilot, and I only come when I'm <em>not</em> scheduled to work."</p>
<p>Leia looked at him utterly without emotion for a few beats before she turned away, muttering, "Damn me, I've found another one."</p>
<p>He'd unpack that later.</p>
<p>"The point <em>stands</em>," he said, picking up his plate and carrying it to the sink. "You need to take a break."</p>
<p>"Really."</p>
<p>"Yep."</p>
<p>"You're unnecessary, you know, I can just as easily get a cab."</p>
<p>"<em>Relax,</em> I'll take you."</p>
<p>"I don't want it if you're about to dub yourself my life coach," she said, making a face at him. "I've made it this far <em>just fine</em>, thanks, I'm not about to be lectured by some <em>flyboy</em> with an unfixed schedule."</p>
<p>"<em>Oooooh</em>," he laughed, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. "That's a fast turnaround, barely thirty seconds of knowing what I do and I'm a <em>flyboy.</em>"</p>
<p>Leia folded her arms, though she didn't pull away. "You're not cute."</p>
<p>"I'm gorgeous."</p>
<p>"You're a pain."</p>
<p>"So are you."</p>
<p>Leia gave a grunt that was more rock salt than chocolate, and he kissed the side of her head.</p>
<p>"Just take the day. Take the <em>morning.</em> We can stop back by my place, you can meet my dog, we can have pizza, the works."</p>
<p>"I have <em>three</em> projects on the go, plus two more in the pipeline, if I don't—"</p>
<p>"Then someone else <em>will,</em>" he told her. "That's the beauty of having an <em>office."</em></p>
<p>She gave him a tart, sideways look, lips pursed like she was eating a hard toffee and might spit it at him.</p>
<p>"And <em>if,</em> Captain, I agree, what's going to happen then?</p>
<p>"We'll watch a movie," he said, letting her go and grabbing his jacket. "I mean, my place isn't <em>the perfect</em> minimalist Zen temple, but you step through that door and there's no pressure. You can relax just fine."</p>
<p>"Is that a nice way of calling it a sty?"</p>
<p>"It's not the cleanest, but it's completely livable and not offensive. I <em>promise </em>that afterward you'll feel refreshed and be able to personally save some orphans from a house fire on Monday."</p>
<p><em>"Monday,</em> you said—"</p>
<p>"Let's just get in the car, Leia," he said, tossing her a coat.</p>
<p>Despite her grumbling and name calling, Leia didn't leave him waiting on the curb. She returned after a few minutes, folder in hand, and dropped sourly into the passenger seat.</p>
<p>"Before you say anything, I want to make it clear that I'm only going for your dog, and it'd better be cute," she told him, scowling out the windshield.</p>
<p>Thankfully, Bebe didn't disappoint.</p>
<p>Leia actually gasped when Bebe whizzed into view, shaking with excitement. It was a pretty fair response. Sometimes, when Poe had been away for work for a while and finally got to see Bebe again, he thought his heart might explode.</p>
<p>"<em>This</em>, Leia, is Bebe," Poe said, scooping the dog up so Leia could pet him.</p>
<p>"I've got to say, I never imagined you to have a <em>Pomeranian. </em>A big, burly dog, sure, something like a boxer, but not a <em>lap</em> dog."</p>
<p>"Bebe is small and fluffy and doesn't give my friends anxiety when they babysit him while I'm away."</p>
<p>Leia burst into delighted laughter. For as grumpy as she'd been all morning, she was bright and childlike now. It was like he could see a flash of when she was younger, his age, maybe, not weighed down by difficulty and heartache and experience.</p>
<p>Then he made himself not think about it, because he still wasn't sure if that made him feel weird.</p>
<p>They ended up on the couch, watching some drama he'd had on the shelf for years that she had never seen. And it was nice, just taking the morning to <em>relax,</em> Leia pressed into his side, their heads leaning together, Bebe very comfortably nestled between them. Poe wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she laughed at his jokes and he tried not to make a face when she pinched him for saying <em>see,</em> wasn't this so much better than work?</p>
<p>Poe was a little sad when she said she had to leave, but he took her home as promised.</p>
<p>"I'll admit it," she said after he had pulled up to her apartment. "You were right."</p>
<p>"<em>Aha,</em> and wha—"</p>
<p>"Your place <em>was</em> kind of a wreck."</p>
<p>"<em>Get out of here,</em>" he laughed, pointing at the door.</p>
<p>Leia laughed and gave him one last peck, then was gone.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Poe met Leia for lunch because that was something people did.</p>
<p>It was a charming little place near her office with a view of the river and lots of outdoor seating. And they chattered, ordered their food, sat outside to enjoy the last scraps of warmth before the weather turned cold.</p>
<p>Leia looked lovely in her maroon suit (dresses were for parties and drinking champagne, she had made that very clear), while Poe tried not to feel schlubby in a Henley, jeans, and bomber jacket. He probably looked like her son.</p>
<p>They chattered for a bit, enjoying their food. He talked about his work, she told him about hers, normal stuff. Leia brought up some party that was being thrown in a few weeks, which Poe only knew about because being Kes's son garnered invites to nice things. No one seemed to care very much that they lived in different countries, that Poe hadn't spoken to his father in years, or that he generally thought his father was a bastard.</p>
<p>Then Leia <em>looked</em> at him, tapped her fork on the plate, set it aside.</p>
<p>"What?" Poe could have sworn he'd been listening, but he suddenly couldn't remember what she'd just said.</p>
<p>"I think we need to talk something through. We've been together a while and…there are aspects of this relationship we need to address."</p>
<p>Oh. So The Talk never got easier with age.</p>
<p>"So, we're doing this, right now?" he asked, trying to sound unbothered. "Here, in public?"</p>
<p>"Would you rather we take it to the alley and talk over a trashcan?"</p>
<p>"<em>No,</em> I mean, hell, wouldn't this be better as <em>pillow talk</em> or something?" he asked, keenly aware of the people sitting on the other side of the eating area. It took a concentrated effort of will not to hate them with his eyes.</p>
<p>"Yeah<em>,</em> because <em>that's</em> a conversation you want to have after sex."</p>
<p>"If we ever—"</p>
<p>"Poe."</p>
<p>He glowered at his drink. Other than the first time in her apartment, no, they hadn't really talked about anything important in the afterglow. Which was the <em>point—</em>he didn't think even the greatest sex in the world could stand up to systematically detailing how it could go all wrong.</p>
<p>"What is it, Leia?"</p>
<p>"What are your long-term plans?"</p>
<p>He let out a short laugh. Sometimes, no matter how hard Leia tried, it felt like he was being grilled by a parent.</p>
<p>Then again, he'd never exactly <em>had</em> a girlfriend invested in the future, personal safety, or the concept of <em>them.</em> One of his longest relationships had held together solely because she backed up his crazy ideas and he didn't complain about banging in public bathrooms.</p>
<p>He bit his cheek. He was <em>responsible, </em>now, he made plans and <em>had</em> things like long term goals.</p>
<p>"Like…where do I see us in five years?" he asked. She just looked at him, waiting for him to answer on his own.</p>
<p>Why did he always do that, why was he so damn <em>uncertain</em> when he was around her?</p>
<p>"I see us…I <em>want</em> us to work out. This isn't—shit happens, sometimes, even if two people do their absolute best, I know that. But…I don't want it to. I'll do everything I can to stop it."</p>
<p>"And <em>in </em>five years, when you want a family?"</p>
<p>"I <em>don't</em> want a family."</p>
<p>"Poe<em>,</em> that might—"</p>
<p>"Come on, Leia, you've seen my parents," he said, stepping firmly in that no-go zone they'd avoided all this time. "Parents divorced when I was a teen, Dad whored around Europe <em>long</em> before that, then he barely called when Mom died of cancer. I'm not—"</p>
<p>He let out a breath. It wasn't the mention of his screwed up homelife that made this so hard, it wasn't that they were in public, it wasn't even that Leia had known the rough outline of his life long before they'd ever met. It was that he wanted very badly for Leia to think that he had his shit together, and he was only just now noticing the basic facts about his life might betray that.</p>
<p>"I'm not <em>exactly</em> chomping at the bit to have kids."</p>
<p>She blinked at him, then looked off down the street. Leia laughed to herself and shook her head. "Fair enough. I wasn't exactly, either. Maybe if I was—maybe if I—"</p>
<p>She fell silent. That was another no-go in their relationship: her son and how he was everything she didn't want. Consciously, too, if the stories were to be believed.</p>
<p>Maybe they didn't talk about family because it made them think about their age and everything going against them. Maybe it was just because they were related to assholes.</p>
<p>"I like where we're at," Poe told her after a pause. "I'm not looking to change it."</p>
<p>"If you did, would you tell me?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>She gave him a look, doubting his fast response. Poe smiled and touched her foot with his.</p>
<p>"I'd tell you. I think far too highly of you to lie."</p>
<p>And then he saw the crack in her façade, the barest flicker of insecurity in her eyes.</p>
<p>"I've had some real bad luck with the people I care about, Poe," she said, expression caving just the slightest bit. "And I <em>really</em> don't want to mess this up before it even gets started."</p>
<p>Poe reached out for her hand and Leia reluctantly gave in. He kissed her fingers, then squeezed them tight.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Leia was becoming a regular sight around his apartment. She'd come by for dinner or a movie or, once, just to work at his kitchen counter because the office was having maintenance done and she was sick of being in her apartment. He was starting to love the sight of Leia lounging around, shoes off, Bebe puttering around her feet. Now she was answering her ever-constant stream of email, putting out fires before the big gala in a few days.</p>
<p>"They realize you're just a <em>guest</em> there, right?" Poe asked, putting away the last of dinner. "You're not actually <em>running</em> it?"</p>
<p>Leia grunted from the couch. "I'm a <em>guest of honor </em>or something<em>,</em> and they want to make some commemorative wall of our photos through the years. Apparently, my assistant found out there's one of me getting arrested and wants to know if that's <em>suitable to my public image."</em></p>
<p>"It's not, like, a <em>secret</em> you were arrested, right?"</p>
<p>"Hell, I don't know, <em>maybe?</em> It happened years ago, we were having a sit-down protest, how bad can it be? Basically, if my nipples aren't showing and I'm not covered in human <em>feces</em> or something, it's fine. People should know how hard damn hard we had to fight, and how far we've come. But, of course, she doesn't <em>have</em> the picture and can't seem to get copies to check."</p>
<p>Poe laughed and wiped down the counter. He wouldn't say he was necessarily more <em>tidy </em>with Leia around, but he was definitely more self-conscious. Clearly, a standard had been set.</p>
<p>"Is that Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell?"</p>
<p>Poe looked up in surprise. <em>Give A Little Love</em> had been swimming through his head all day, and he hadn't realized he'd been humming. "Uh, yes?"</p>
<p>Leia laughed, shaking her head. "I didn't think you'd know that song, it's kind of old."</p>
<p>"No, I love that record."</p>
<p>Poe's taste in movies, music, and clothes had always trended more toward vintage than modern, earning him some ridicule amongst his friends when he was young. Apparently, people in street gangs weren't allowed to like <em>Casablanca.</em></p>
<p>Now Leia was looking at him with a mixture of disbelief and hope. <em>"Record?</em> Don't tell me—"</p>
<p>"Yeah, I have a record player."</p>
<p>She laughed as he crossed the room and opened it up.</p>
<p>"Seriously what did you think this shelf <em>was,</em>" he asked, pulling out the vinyl in question. He slid it from its brightly colored sleeve and set it on the turntable.</p>
<p>"Oh, Poe, you are an old soul," she laughed. The familiar drum and bass riff spilled from the speakers, crackly and rich. Poe held his hand out to her. Leia waved him off, but Poe caught her hand and pulled her up.</p>
<p>"C'mon, Leia, dance with me," he said, fighting to keep a straight face, trying not to give in to her fits of giggles.</p>
<p>It didn't work. By the time they were halfway through, they were laughing and staggering around, trying to stay upright. They were clumsy and silly, children dancing around and making faces at each other because no one was there to stop them.</p>
<p>Poe wrapped his arms around her from behind, leading them in big, sloppy circles as Bebe yapped and watched. Leia leaned her head back against his chest and laughed helplessly. She tried to pull herself together as he flipped the record over, hands pressed against her mouth.</p>
<p>Poe spun her, and while he adored her girlish little <em>'oooh'</em> of surprise, he loved it even more when she was back in his arms, her body pressed up against his, warm and familiar and safe. She smelled like fabric softener and flowers, sun-warm and heady like he was having a garden picnic in summer.</p>
<p>At some point, it devolved into kissing. They were slow dancing, now, barely turning on the spot as the music crooned about love being precious and lovers being heaven sent. Her mouth was soft against his, and she tasted of honey chapstick. Her teeth caught his lower lip, her hands trailed through his hair, and he never wanted to stop, never wanted to tear himself from this perfect moment in time.</p>
<p>They stumbled into the bedroom, Poe pressing Leia onto the bed. She pulled his shirt off, and for a moment they were just looking at each other in the slices of streetlight from outside. She pressed her hand against his chest, feeling his heartbeat before trailing her fingertips down his sternum.</p>
<p>He leaned down and kissed her very softly, then again, and then he kissed her on the neck.</p>
<p>Leia undid the button of his jeans, carefully sliding them off his hips. Poe kissed her throat, her pulse point, what little he could reach of her collarbone. He stroked a hand down her side, onto her hip, skated the tip of his finger between her skin and the elastic of her underwear. She started to undo her pants as well, hands pausing when he shifted and pulled them off her, his mouth trailing a path down her thigh. The music murmured in the other room<em>, I know I've strayed far, far away from your arms, baby, just like a fool</em>, isolating them from the rest of the world.</p>
<p>He loved her warm flower smell and the way she leaned into his kisses and the way she was so <em>honest.</em> He loved the crackle of her laugh and how she called him on his shit and how she cared about <em>everyone. </em>His chest ached for the want of her, even though she was there in his arms. He thought he might die for the pleasure of it.</p>
<p>Poe made his way back up with open mouthed kisses, on her knee, her hip, her stomach, pushing up the bottom of her shirt onto her ribs.</p>
<p>Leia traced her fingertips down his spine to the small of his back as he kissed her, then spread her fingers in a starburst pattern. He laughed and tried not to squirm, torn between being ticklish and aroused. She made to take off his underwear, but he stopped her, catching her wrist from behind.</p>
<p>"What?" she whispered, voice level despite her deep breaths.</p>
<p>"The record's almost done, I don't want it to play out."</p>
<p>"I think it can stand some idle turning."</p>
<p>"Yeah, but I <em>like</em> having the music," he said, giving her wrist a teasing squeeze for emphasis.</p>
<p>Leia huffed and fell back into the pillows. "Fine, then go turn it, but I'm not going to pause for a record again."</p>
<p>He grinned and kissed the corner of her mouth before going to flip the record. When he came back, Leia had removed her shirt and was unpinning her hair. He placed a knee on the bed, making her lean into him as he kissed her jaw. He unlatched her bra, hands staying on her breasts as she shrugged it off. She kissed his collarbone, then pulled him back down onto the mattress.</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Tell me where you're flying next," she murmured. They were laying side by side on the bed, watching the patches of light cast by the streetlights on his ceiling. In the living room, the record player rattled quietly away. As expected, the music had run out and, as promised, Leia had warned him that he <em>better</em> not go change it. Not that he'd had much interest in the moment. He still hadn't worked up the will to leave her and fix it.</p>
<p>"London," he told her.</p>
<p>"For very long?"</p>
<p>"No, not really."</p>
<p>He never stayed long when he flew for work. Just enough time to land, do paperwork, catch a nice meal, maybe go to a show or a park or whatever pleasure the city had to offer, then he was off again. He didn't mind it. Poe liked the glimpses of other worlds, liked learning about people and cultures he'd never otherwise see.</p>
<p>"Do you do a lot of international flights?"</p>
<p>"Sometimes."</p>
<p>"Have you been to…France?"</p>
<p>"Oh yeah, all the time."</p>
<p>"Mm, I loved living there."</p>
<p>"You did?" Poe looked at her in surprise.</p>
<p>"Mm-hm. Just for a couple of years with my father, but yeah."</p>
<p>Poe nodded. He'd forgotten that Leia's father had been a diplomat. She'd probably traveled more than the average person. He tilted his head, considering a moment before he asked, "What about…mm, China?"</p>
<p>"Yes, once for two weeks. You?"</p>
<p>"Yep. Singapore?"</p>
<p>"Yes, same trip. Australia?"</p>
<p>"Once. Great country, <em>terrible</em> flight. Peru?"</p>
<p>"No, only Brazil. Well, also Colombia, but that was more of a layover than an actual visit."</p>
<p>"Italy?"</p>
<p>"Just imagine I've been all over Europe," she laughed.</p>
<p>He rolled onto his side to look at her. "And you never wanted to go back?"</p>
<p>"Oh, I've gone back, plenty of times."</p>
<p>"But not to stay."</p>
<p>"Well, you need a basecamp <em>somewhere,</em>" she said, adjusting the blanket he'd pulled over them. "What about you? Why stay, or <em>not</em> stay?"</p>
<p>"I dunno, this is just…<em>home,"</em> he said, shaking his head. He had never considered living anywhere else.</p>
<p>"And if you could just leave, pack up Bebe and go, would you?"</p>
<p>"No," he laughed, "my whole life's here."</p>
<p>"Yeah, but forget the work stuff and the logistics of moving," she said, waving her hand. "Where would you go?"</p>
<p>"My whole life's here."</p>
<p>They looked at each other for a long moment, and that heart-crushing feeling from earlier came back, only now it scared him, so Poe let out a breath and shrugged, trying to make his voice light.</p>
<p>"I mean…I don't know, the city reminds me of my mom. I came here so she wouldn't be alone in the end, and I just…fell in love, I guess. I can't think of leaving."</p>
<p>"No, I understand," Leia said, finding his hand under the blankets and entwining their fingers. "France makes me think of my father. Every time I go back, I want to stay. Just to remember."</p>
<p>"Just to remember," he repeated, soft like the words were somehow a little more fragile in his mouth.</p>
<p>Leia sat up after a moment, murmuring about a drink of water.</p>
<p>"I'll get it," he said, kissing her shoulder. "I need to turn off the turntable, anyways."</p>
<p>He pulled on his underwear and walked into the living room where the record was still turning fruitlessly.</p>
<p>"Are you going to that party next week? The gala?" Leia called.</p>
<p>"I might," he said, stopping in the kitchen to get her drink.</p>
<p>"There is no <em>might,</em> you had to RSVP."</p>
<p>"Okay, I RSVP'd."</p>
<p>Leia had pulled on her underwear and one of his sleep shirts and was smoothing her hair back from her face when Poe returned.</p>
<p>"So, are you gonna turn up?" she asked, taking the glass of water from him.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I guess." He'd been debating ever since he had given notice. He would be flying the day after and would have to turn in early, and that was an awful lot of fuss for a very short night. These things never really kicked off until at least an hour in. "Would you <em>like</em> me to?"</p>
<p>"It could be fun."</p>
<p>Rich people parties certainly had a special flare to them, but Poe didn't usually find them <em>fun.</em> Fun was jousting on motorbikes once the bars had closed and trying not to get arrested after. Which, tragically, was never on the agenda at these things, though Poe would have paid <em>good</em> money to see some of these philanthropist types playing chicken in their designer clothes.</p>
<p>"You look like you're thinking about something," Leia said.</p>
<p>"Just the past."</p>
<p>"And? Any conclusions?"</p>
<p>"The present is much quieter," he said, leaning down to kiss her again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>okay I'm not gonna lie, aside from the shipping, about ninety percent of this fic is writing about how poe is an absolute heaving wreck with the finest and most specific of champagne tastes. who else gets to click his tongue about the quality of black tie events while also remembering glory days that reek of gasoline and cheap liquor?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. to only you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hey surprise new year new me except for my updating schedule, that is as capricious as always</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The gala was beautiful, though thankfully not ostentatious. It <em>was</em> a philanthropy event, after all.</p><p>Despite Poe's hedging, he had brushed off his tux and combed his hair and made to look pretty like a good little boy. Kaydel and Snap were both there, though this was their first major party. Poe hoped the glitter wouldn't wear off. For as much as people romanticized these things, they deserved to keep their starry view.</p><p>The interior of the hotel ballroom was radiant, all crystal and polished wood. People laughed and sipped their champagne and for a moment, the world felt so light, filled to the brim with hope and power and do-gooding.</p><p>This was what Poe had wanted as a kid, before he had turned jaded and decided that spite was a better option: he wanted to believe that people with money did good things and enjoyed doing them.</p><p>He had fun with Snap and Kaydel, eating nice food and telling jokes and listening to stories and trying not to stare at famous people. He had enough fun that he almost convinced himself he wasn't looking for Leia, that he didn't sift through every sound for the crunch of the rock salt that was her voice. He was there on his own because that was how he had said it would be, and he would abide by those rules.</p><p>And then, by a tidy quirk of fate, the friend of a friend tilted their head and asked, "Do you want to meet some of the guests of honor? Leia Organa will be there."</p><p>And, of course, Snap and Kaydel were quick to mention that, well, they'd already met, actually, so of course it made sense to see her again, and Poe found himself nodding and agreeing and then there they were, smiling and standing before the guests of honor.</p><p>"Snap—uh, Temmin Wexley," Snap stammered, holding out his hand to Leia. "We met clearing out the homeless shelter on Ninth."</p><p><em>"Right, </em>yes, that was a good day." Leia smiled and shook his hand, so beautiful and gracious that Poe thought his heart might give out. She wore a blue dress with a flared collar and fitted sleeves, over which went a sweeping light grey wrap, all sharp corners and exaggerated pleats.</p><p>"No, I remember all of you, of course," she said. "Kaydel—Ko Connix, was that your last name? And then Poe Dameron."</p><p>"Did I hear someone say '<em>Dameron'</em>?" someone asked, and a black man behind Leia turned to face them. Poe blinked in surprise as Snap drew in a breath—<em>of course</em> it was Lando Calrissian. He hadn't been as intense an advocate as Leia had been back in the day, but he had all the swagger. He was the charming face seen on TV and with politicians, sweet talking deals and laws into existence.</p><p>"You know, somehow I never thought I'd meet Shara Bey's son at a thing like this," Lando said, shaking Poe's hand. "Your mother was a treasure, I was sorry I couldn't attend the funeral service."</p><p>"Uh, thank you," Poe said, startled.</p><p>"So, are you a non-profit man like your mother?"</p><p>"No, Kaydel's the one that makes these things work, I'm just the muscle," Poe said, gesturing to her.</p><p>"Yeah? How do you occupy yourself, then?"</p><p>"I'm a pilot, I work for a commercial airline."</p><p>"Oh?" Lando laughed a little, raising his eyebrows. "Leia's husband was a pilot. You can never seem to get away from them, Leia, can you?" he asked, giving Leia a nudge.</p><p>Poe nodded, trying not to let the quality of his smile change.</p><p>So, <em>that</em> was what she had meant by '<em>not another one'</em>. He had been tempted to research Leia's life in more detail once they'd started dating, of course, but looking up past boyfriends and husbands was tasteless, say the least.</p><p>"Han liked running around having adventures more than busying himself with whatever I was doing," Leia said, her smile fond, though slightly chagrined.</p><p>"Oh, we all had plenty of adventures," Lando laughed, gesturing behind him.</p><p>Poe looked where he pointed, then blinked. He hadn't been close enough to realize it before, but the wall behind them was the commemorative display Leia had been talking about. It had been draped in white fabric, but what Poe had assumed from a distance were simply abstract accents proved to be greyscale photos.</p><p>"Either way, we're glad you're here with us," Leia said, smiling at him.</p><p>Poe smiled back, and for half a second he thought he might open his mouth or touch Leia's arm, very casually let everyone know that they were seeing each other, they were dating, he cared for her, very, very much.</p><p>But their eyes moved on, the subject shifted, he regained his head. That was a challenge for another time, one with far fewer people and potential accusations.</p><p>And then—oh <em>shit—</em>Amilyn Holdo swept into view, glorious and serene in her ball gown of incandescent white. Her hair was styled in a simple twist, freshly dyed purple in protest of something or other. Poe didn't really care to ask her about it—the last time they'd spoken, she'd torn him to shreds with a smile on her face.</p><p>He ducked away, skirting the crowd so he ended up by the commemorative wall and out of sight. He preferred seeming a bit rude over being shit all over in front of his idols.</p><p>Now that he was closer, Poe could pick out faces he recognized—younger, more reckless versions of the people he knew now. He was surprised at how strangely nostalgic the display made him, like these were all moments he had lived but merely forgotten.</p><p>There was Leia, of course, her hair dark, eyes blazing as she spoke to a camera man. This was in the very early days, when she wore only white and painted her eyes dark so that she was severe as she was beautiful. There was Ackbar speaking to Lando, an angelic candid of Mothma, Holdo offering a plaque to an unknown man. Then there was the picture of Leia being arrested that had caused so much fuss, her expression vicious as she shouted her cause, though Poe noticed she suffered neither a nip slip nor being covered in feces.</p><p>And then there was his mother, barely a smudge over someone's shoulder. And that <em>was</em> a memory he did have; Shara smiling down at him once, twice, a thousand times. He wasn't sure how the camera had managed to steal the exact moment her eyes folded into nothing but sparkles and laugh lines, but his heart skipped to see that it had.</p><p>What would she say about all of this, Poe wondered, what would she think about the man he had become and the job he held and the charities he championed and the woman he had fallen in love with? The young woman grinning at him from the photo would probably say live and let live, so long as he wasn't hurting anyone. He was too nervous to imagine her when she had been his mother and everything <em>she</em> would say.</p><p>Poe hesitated, then snapped a picture of himself and his mother's photo, because, alright, he'd had some champagne and was feeling sentimental. He also took a picture of him and a fiery young Leia, mostly because he could and maybe because he felt kind of weird for not coming to the party with her.</p><p>He didn't know if he would have liked that fearsome starburst of a Leia in the photograph. Well, he knew he would have liked her in the same way firecrackers loved fuses, but he didn't know if he would have <em>liked </em>her in the way house guests enjoyed their hosts. By all accounts, she had been ready to burn the world down if it meant she could build a better one from scratch. Which might have been either fantastic or disastrous for him, all things considered. He could easily imagine himself lighting the match if the beautiful, dark-eyed girl from the photos asked. Problem was, a person could only light so many matches before they were burned, and Poe didn't think he had the good sense to stop before he singed his fingertips.</p><p>He slipped out of the ballroom, shaking his head. He needed to get outside. He felt like he had swum through time, the dysphoria puddling in his shoes and dripping from his fingers.</p><p>Thankfully, the door to the courtyard wasn't locked. He stepped into the cold and dragged in a deep breath. It was probably best they hadn't come together. He didn't need Lando Calrissian chortling about how Leia enjoyed her men young and reckless and easy.</p><p>"You disappeared fast."</p><p>Poe turned to see Leia standing by the door, breath pluming in the chill air.</p><p>"Uh, yeah. I kind of had a run-in with Holdo a while back, and we haven't exactly talked since."</p><p>"Really? She's not usually—wait, <em>you're</em> the idiot she had to tell off?! At the meeting back in August?"</p><p>"Thanks, Leia, that's really what I wanted to hear."</p><p>"No, I'm sorry," she said, waving a hand as she broke into laughter. "It's just—she <em>told</em> me about you. You burst in there, assumed no one knew what they were doing—"</p><p>"How was <em>I</em> supposed to know she had been running things from another country?"</p><p>"You <em>ask</em>," she laughed, leaning against a decorative pillar.</p><p>"You know, I'm really glad you came out here. I knew my night was missing something," he said, trying not to sound grumpy as he linked arms with her.</p><p>"Stop it, you're worth more than a little teasing," she said, still laughing, although she reached up and kissed him below the ear. Then, immediately, <em>"Dammit,</em>" as she wiped her lipstick from his skin.</p><p>"Careful about my collar," he said, reaching over, but she waved him off.</p><p>They paused on the far side of the courtyard, hidden by an island of standing stones and beautifully trimmed Japanese maples.</p><p>"Did it bother you, hearing about Han?" Leia asked.</p><p>"No," he said easily, because <em>Han</em> wasn't the thing causing trouble in all of this. "Everyone's got an ex."</p><p>"I'm just never sure. Some men are fine with it, others have to prove themselves against a man I left a long time ago."</p><p>"Had a lot of boyfriends, then have you?"</p><p>"Plenty. They're not hard to find."</p><p>"Really now?"</p><p>"I mean, you were tripping over yourself to come see me."</p><p>He laughed and wrapped his arm around her, the anxiety already fading. Poe preferred it out here, away from all of the fuss and the performances. He knew where every foot would go and every word would turn out and he liked that. He liked how comfortable they could be. He hadn't had a lot of comfortable in his life.</p><p>"I'll need to go soon," he murmured after a moment, checking his watch. "Work tomorrow."</p><p>"Yeah? Where to, now? Another international flight?"</p><p>"Yeah, but it's short. I'll be home in a day or so. Do you wanna head back with me?"</p><p>"Do you have any food? I never like the catering at these things."</p><p>"I could make you some eggs. <em>Maybe</em> sausage, if you're nice."</p><p>"Hell yes, I'm coming."</p><p>"I'm parked around the side."</p><p>"And your friends?"</p><p>"They know I'm leaving early."</p><p>"Right, see you in twenty. There'll be a lot of pissed people if I don't say goodbye."</p><hr/><p>It felt much later than it was as they climbed the steps to his apartment. The whole city felt sleepy, made gauzy after a soft night of jazz and velvet. The few people they saw in the hall smiled and laughed, though it was probably due to Poe and Leia's clothes rather than because his neighbors guessed they were dating.</p><p>"Glad that's done," Leia sighed, kicking off her shoes once Poe had closed the door behind them. "Let me tell you—heels are a trick that only seem fine for the first five minutes."</p><p>"I'll remember that. And corsets?" he asked, pulling out the eggs and sausage.</p><p>"I hope you know better than to think I let <em>anyone</em> put me in a corset," she muttered, picking up Bebe.</p><p>Poe laughed, shaking his head.</p><p>"Did you have a fun time?" she asked.</p><p>"Yeah, no, it was good. It was a very nice party."</p><p>"You just don't like the hype around them."</p><p>"No, it's fine I just…they're kinda…boring? Like, you have an icebreaker at these things and people act like it's a carnival."</p><p>"So, tell me," she said, leaning against the counter. "What does it take to impress you?"</p><p>"I'm not a good reference," he hedged, cracking open the eggs and swirling them in the pan. Leia had guessed he'd been a thrill-seeking dumbass in his youth, though he hadn't exactly told her the extent of his misadventures.</p><p>"No, no, you started this. What's a good party, Dameron?"</p><p>He looked at her. "The most fun I had was drag racing down a pier. Loser lost their car."</p><p>Not always to the winner, either. The last race had ended when a contestant failed to break in time and had broken through the rails into the water. Poe had hung around long enough to make sure the guy got out, though not long enough to face the cops.</p><p>Leia stared at him, eyebrows raised. "Was this a prep school thing or…?"</p><p><em>"No,</em>" he laughed. "Get some plates out, will you? No, this was when I was nineteen and it was one of the crew's birthday, so."</p><p>They'd done stupider things for less.</p><p>"Are you telling me, Poe Dameron, that you went slumming with a <em>car gang?</em>"</p><p>"I think I was with them too long to consider it '<em>slumming.'"</em></p><p>Leia laughed again, this time in delight. It was so easy. They were <em>so easy. </em>It made perfect sense to be making dinner after a black-tie party, telling Leia about how he'd been a public menace and have her laugh about it.</p><p>That heady recklessness from earlier was coming back, whispering <em>what if, what if, what if.</em> What if they stopped hiding, what if they told everyone, what if they took that risk? What if he stopped trying to make up for screwing up in the past and pretending to be perfect and hating himself any time he slipped?</p><p>What if he let himself admit they weren't slips, just…him being <em>happy</em>?</p><p>"Did they ever find out you were from a wealthy family?" Leia asked. "Were you ever arrested?"</p><p>"No, but I wasn't the only rich kid, and <em>yes,</em> though it was for something minor, <em>disturbing the peace,</em> I think. I was usually too fast for them to catch," he said, tossing her a wink.</p><p>"And now you go to galas and donate money to help inner city education," she said, setting Bebe down so she could take a plate.</p><p>"Yeah, well, crime is fun until you realize <em>they</em> do it because they don't have a home life, are on their own, desperately poor, something like that, don't really have a wide array of choices, and <em>you</em> do it because you're just pissed at your dad."</p><p>He had figured that if he was going to be shit, it'd best be shit with a cause rather than as a poverty tourist.</p><p>"Do you miss it?"</p><p>"The not caring? <em>Yeah.</em> That part's great."</p><p>"And everything else?"</p><p>"What, the continuous partying and reckless endangerment and constant need to one up whatever stunt you did last week to prove you hadn't gone soft? No, that <em>sucked.</em>"</p><p>Leia laughed again, shaking her head like she couldn't quite fathom the entirety of him.</p><p>"So, what led you to being a pilot?" she asked.</p><p>"Racecar driver was a long shot."</p><p><em>"Right</em>."</p><p>Poe rounded the counter with his own plate, kissing her cheek as he passed. "Not everyone has a straight path to their calling."</p><p>"Yeah, well, I did my own dabbling in the dark, don't you worry. Not quite <em>gang</em> worthy, but, I dunno, it wouldn't have been hard to turn me radical for a while, there. You help people through enough shit, you start to get angry the shit's even there, and then you get high on that anger, and suddenly you're surrounded by people who think firebombs are the answers to all your prayers."</p><p>Poe considered her from his place on the couch a long moment, then asked, "Did you ever let it get that far?"</p><p>"No, I shut it down pretty fast," Leia said, looking at a past Poe couldn't see. "But I was tempted. I could have."</p><p>"What stopped you?" He held his fork in his hand, ready to start eating, but he was afraid to take his eyes off of her. He had the superstitious fear that she might stop talking if he moved wrong.</p><p>"Honestly? My brother. Twins adopted by different families at birth—I told you that, right? Yeah, we met up as teenagers, and then…oh, some time later, while I was having my dark night of the soul, Luke was off becoming a monk."</p><p>"A—<em>what</em>?" Poe asked, leaning forward in disbelief.</p><p>"Yeah, a monk," she chuckled. "He lives in a monastery in Tibet. Great at what he does, but at that time he was this spiritual, what will be will be, release your anger sort. Used to <em>infuriate</em> me. But we balanced each other out, and eventually…I saw he was right. Anger is a good catalyst, but it's a very fickle fuel. It burns dirty, Poe, don't you ever forget that."</p><p>He considered her, thinking again of the fearsome creature in the photographs, clad in white and fury. He didn't doubt it when Leia said she had been tempted to radicalize in her youth. The woman being arrested would have done it. <em>He</em> would have done it for her, if she'd asked just right.</p><p>Or maybe not. The Poe that left galas early so he could go into work the next day and made eggs because his girlfriend was hungry wasn't the Poe that became horny over a younger, more violent version of Leia. He saw the appeal, it was very much there, but that was for a man drunk on adrenaline and the inconsistent belief he could never be stopped. Now, he just…didn't want it.</p><p>Instead, he had a Leia that was graceful, measured, and every bit as passionate, but tempered. She was a woman in his kitchen, petting Bebe's head with her foot as she ate, casually talking about life.</p><p>"You look very beautiful tonight, Leia," he told her.</p><p>"Yeah? And that's not just because of the false eyelashes they made me wear, right?"</p><p>"What? Seriously?" he asked, straightening.</p><p>"Yeah, I am. Though they're just the small ones." She set her plate down and walked toward him, pausing in front of his knees so he could see.</p><p>"It's not just the eyelashes," he chuckled, setting his plate on the end table and pulling her onto his lap. Her skirt piled appealingly around them on the couch. "You look very regal."</p><p>"Well, thank you. You were quite handsome, too," she said, looping her arms around his neck. "We made quite the pair."</p><p>Not quite the pair. The pair that had come separately, then slunk away to be alone.</p><p>The squirm of <em>this could be something else</em> started up in his stomach again, still unresolved despite all his flip-flopping.</p><p>"Yeah, well, you know what they say," he said, his hands on her hips. "Crooked pasts clean up well."</p><p>"Do they?"</p><p>"Mm, yes, they do."</p><p>Leia tilted her head at him, expression terribly, thoughtfully quiet.</p><p>"When are we going to go out into public together?" she asked.</p><p>"I don't know if I can answer that," he told her softly.</p><p>"And why is that?"</p><p>"I don't know if I <em>want</em> to answer that."</p><p>She frowned at him, lips pursed off to the side. "Poe."</p><p>"I know, Leia. I know. I just…" He sighed, looking into her face like maybe he could magic up answers for her. "I don't want it to be cheap. I've spent a lot of my life being cheap."</p><p>Leia looked back, silent for a long moment, then nodded and kissed him gently on the mouth. Her false eyelashes tickled his cheek.</p><p>"Okay," she murmured, voice soft.</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>Poe kissed her, and Leia caught his lower lip between her teeth. He held her a little tighter, pressing her body to his, glad that she at least understood the words he couldn't say, glad that, for now, at least, she was willing to wait.</p><p>"How did being the guest of honor treat you?" he mumbled, kissing her jaw.</p><p>"Impressively well. I shook hands and was served first and generally showed off like a prize pony."</p><p>"And you're not sad we left?"</p><p>"Of course not," she said, tilting her head and giving him a coy smile. "I wouldn't get to make out with my young hot boyfriend if I was still there."</p><p>Poe grinned, then kissed her neck. He drank in the soft smell of her sunshiney, floral perfume and laughed when her long, thin chain earrings tickled his nose, then kept kissing her as she took them out. Poe tried not to laugh as she undid his tuxedo pants and he laid open-mouthed kisses on her throat. He adored the way she held his face in her hands and very gently kissed the corner of his mouth, the side of his nose, the edge of his cheekbone. He relished being able to hold her, hands smoothing perfectly against her sides and the small of her back like they had never known anything else.</p><p>There was something strangely appealing about being able to come home early from a black-tie event, make a plate of eggs, then have sex on the couch in a ballgown and tux. Whoever Poe had been before, this was who he was <em>now,</em> safe and comfortable and happy.</p><p>Leia slid off his lap, murmuring something about going to get a condom. When she returned, Poe was hit all over again by how <em>gorgeous</em> she was, somehow clever and beautiful and wise, but also giddy and rumpled and human. He leaned his head against his hand, smiling helplessly at her.</p><p>"What?" she asked, torn like she didn't know if she should be shy or encouraging.</p><p>He didn't know how, amidst the fighting with his parents and running away and his mom dying and resenting his father and soldering a new life from the wreckage of his old one, he had ever found <em>this,</em> but he was glad he had it and was terrified to let it go.</p><p>"I'm just very glad I get the privilege of having you here," he told her, then pulled Leia back onto his lap.</p><hr/><p>Poe landed in Peru the next day, after a smooth flight and tricky landing. His hotel wasn't much to brag about, but the view of the city at sunset was breathtaking. He took a picture and sent it to Leia.</p><p><em>thought you'd like it,</em> he wrote. <em>i'll have to take you sometime.</em></p><p><em>It's a date, then</em>, she wrote back.</p><p>He still had a dopey grin when he went down to dinner, and maybe even until bed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>shoutout yet again to my betas for tolerating me gushing about the scene after the party because clearly I had way more poorly articulated investment in it than them</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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